Here are old writings that I made to reflect my feelings that I had during an emotional crisis that I went through involving another person. I thought to share them here. It was December 2008 through March 2009. Watch closely, and you will see a timeline form, loosely anyway.
============================
my heart is always there, in all things
beating, feeling, loving, laughing
crying tears of fire and water.
soul is heart, felt, unseen,
forever dying, and living forever,
living fiery, core of sun…
dying cold, moonlight and starshine…
what you have stolen, unknown,
the tears are different…
cold like steal, hot like forge,
light like air, dark like night…
in no ones power, how did you find this?
it was impossible…impossible…
i was impossible…where did you find this?
you are impossible…why did i find you…?
this is wrong, and right, and means nothing,
everything, and something, and anything.
i cannot know, but do, and will, and won’t…
why do you love me?
=========================
strength…where is it?
my strength has fled,
like a thousand horses strong,
bounding across the plains of all that is…
and isnt…
sun shine; is cold.
snow fall; is not soft.
windy breeze; is not fresh.
was suppose to be strong,
impervious to these actions,
invulnerable, untouchable,
like angel’s dust in sunlight,
like butterflies in the garden,
like rays of sun and silver-lined cloud.
strong for others, that was my goal.
shoulder the burdens of life,
like atlas and the great globe…
instead you are like midas.
everything you touch turns gold,
like my heart, my soul…
but gold is not always good,
gold is cold and hard, like steel and stone…
this was life, and now is shattered,
shattered like crystals,
and dreams of light and darkness…
when this dies, as it has,
is reborn, like the phoenix that you are,
over and over again.
captured? how?
how did you capture angel dust?
how did you hold sunlight?
how did you catch butterflies?
how did you have silver-lined clouds?
you did…it is all you are, and all i am.
it is nothing. we are nothing.
why do i still love you?
=================
a thousand angels sing,
when your name is in my thoughts.
the sound, like glass and silver;
the feeling like gold and sun.
im crazy, arent i?
“oh why, would you think that, dear fox?”
fox replies:
“you are sunflowers and darkness,
sweet, sensual.
naive.
my love, this is not the one.
withering, fading.
this one brings you pain and wonder.
this one is starlight and skysong,
unreachable,
only seen, only heard.”
roses. lovely, sweet, petals soft.
thorns and poison, prick and pain.
how lovely and deadly,
i wish to pick them all.
blood, trickling from my hands,
the hands used to caress you,
your body, your face.
red rose are you, untameable,
i want your heart,
but my own bleeds love,
that you do not accept.
why has this ones love become thorn?
fox replies:
“this one loves you, my dear.
more than you know.
but this one does not know you.
can this one know you?”
look upon the face of the stars,
im told.
i see them, and in them, i feel you.
can i not travel among them?
i do!
dreams take me there,
and i find you, waiting.
will this fade?
like stars fade into morning?
will this grow?
like eastern sun rising?
can we know?
or will i be demising?
for eternity…
============================
Sun has come again,
has it?
So long have clouds tormented the world,
yet blanketing it; protection.
It is cold,
still.
Crisp and clear, the air smells sweet.
Mountains are seen again,
blue, and crystal.
The sky, how wonderful the sky,
a vast sea of rich, unmoving color.
Dreams live there, and beyond;
the stars hide behind the sky.
Fly among them, reach into the heavens…
Steal a beam of moonlight,
and make it part of your heart.
Winter’s sun, warm like love,
yet cold, like waking thoughts.
Scars are fading, lashes are healing.
Sunlight and moonbeam,
starglow and skysong;
they fix me.
Carrying the great globe again,
upon shoulders too small.
Returned to the side of all that is God,
Forever.
I am healed.
======================
why?
why do i still feel this…
depression..
falling in love…fallen…
fell…
lost, though.
failed.
normality didn’t resume.
instead, hollowness presumed;
empty.
so lonely, so cold;
longing.
frost is beautiful, but cold.
winter sun is clear, but cold.
february sky is blue, but cold.
where are the leaves?
where are the flowers?
where are the breezes…
after summer showers?
they are lost to me,
roaming around
in this hollow place lost inside me.
they promise to return,
to be around me…
but not within me…
my heart used to be there,
so happy it was,
full of life and love.
gone now, to a place wintry.
it feels cold and tired
in my hollow place,
like sleep is imminent.
can i drift now?
all that’s left are dreams,
shattered remnants.
memories dance,
ethereal like starlight,
reminding me of…
lost.
mortality failed me.
immortality promises me nothing.
too far to reach,
too far to touch.
what is it that i want?
another…
like me.
give me love, flesh to touch,
a soul to share.
complete me, my other half.
i wait, but fail. nothing finds me.
all i want is your hand to hold…
in my own.
where are you, my love..?
so selfish am i!
why do i complain?!
so many others need.
so many others want.
yet i wade
in the darkened waters
of my own sadness.
God cries with me,
His tears of holy fire and love.
His angels exult,
Seraphima sing!
mournful songs of lost and lonliness…
all for me.
but yet…
i’m alone.
==================
Filed under: Uncategorized
